Wednesday, December 24, 2008

'Twas the Night Before Christmas

There's a version here for knitters, and one for science fiction fans.


'twas the night before Christmas and all around me
Was unfinished knitting not under the tree.
The stockings weren't hung by the chimney with care
'Cause the heels and toes had not a stitch there
The children were nestled all snug in their beds.
But I had not finished the caps for their heads.
Dad was asleep; he was no help at all,
And the sweater for him was six inches too small,

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter
I put down my needles to see what was the matter.
Away to the window I flew like a flash,
Tripped over my yarn and fell down with a crash.
The tangle of yarn that lay deep as the snow
Reminded me how much I still had to go.
Out on my lawn I heard such a noise,
I thought it would wake both Dad and the boys.
And though I was tired, my brain a bit thick,
I knew in a moment it must be St Nick.
But what I heard then left me perplex‑ed,
For not a name I heard was what I expected,

"Move, Ashford! Move, Lopi! Move, Addi and Clover!
Move, Reynolds! Move Starmore! Move Froelich ‑‑move over
Paton, don't circle 'round; stand in the line.
Come now, you sheep will work out just fine!
I know this is hard; it's just your first year,
I'd hate to go back to eight tiny reindeer."
I peered over the sill; what I saw was amazing,

Eight wooly sheep on my lawn all a‑grazing.
And then, in a twinkle, I heard at the door
Santa's feet coming across the porch floor.
I rose from my knees and got back on my feet,
And as I turned 'round St Nick I did meet.
He was dressed all in wool from his head to his toe,
And his clothes were handknit from above to below.
A bright Fairisle sweater he wore on his back,
And his toys were all stuffed in an Aran knit sack.
His cap was a wonder of bobbles and lace
A beautiful frame for his rosy red face.
The scarf 'round his neck could have stretched for a mile,
And the socks peeking over his boots were Argyle.
The back of his mittens bore an intricate cable.

And suddenly on one I espied a small label,
"S.C." was duplicate stitched on the cuff,
And I asked, "Hey, Nick, did you knit all this stuff?"
He proudly replied, "Ho, ho, ho, yes I did.
I learned how to knit when I was a kid."
He was chubby and plump, a quite well‑dressed old man,
And I laughed to myself, for I'd thought up a plan.
I flashed him a grin and jumped up in the air,
And the next thing he knew, he was tied to a chair,

He spoke not a word, but looked in his lap
Where I'd laid my needles and yarn for a cap.
He quickly began knitting, first one cap then two,
For the first time I thought I might really get through.
He put heels in the stockings and toes in some socks.
While I sat back drinking scotch on the rocks.
So quickly like magic his needles they flew
That he was all finished by quarter to two.
He sprang for his sleigh when I let him go free,
And over his shoulder he looked back at me,
And I heard him exclaim as he sailed past the moon,
"Next year start your knitting sometimes around June!"

The following is sung to Joy to the World

Joy to the world, the sweater's done.
The vest is also knit.
And socks and hats and mittens
As warm and soft as kittens
Are underneath the tree
Are underneath the tree
All knit, all knit, all knit by me


The UFO Incident Before Christmas
by Dave Walsh

'Twas the night before Christmas, and out in deep space,
Not a creature was stirring on SHADO Moonbase;
The spacesuits were hung in the lockers, so cute
In case they'd be needed for a jump in the chute.
The pilots were nestled all snug in their cots,
While visions of UFO's spun in their thoughts.

And Paul in his Nehru, and Gay in her skirt
Were sitting on watch, and starting to flirt
When from SID's connection there came such a clamor
Like the sound of a bell sharply struck by a hammer!
Away to the monitor they flew like a flash,
(Hoping the girls weren't writing more slash!)

The lights of the monitor gave off a glow
Just as an Intruder had started to show
Before they could ask about its speed rate,
SID had announced, "Velocity, SOL 8".
When suddenly all of their thoughts gave a glimmer
To the same notion, "It must be a Spinner!"
With a driver so vile, wearing a red suit
To kidnap some humans, the evil galoot!

More rapid than light, his agents they came,
And he telepathically called them by name:
"Now Croxley, now Collins, now Turner, now Craig and
On Roper, on Turner, on Fraser and Regan!
To the Dalotek base, then flashing by SID,
Get us to Earth, and truly well-hid!"

As a bat out of hell, his UFO flew,
While out of their crater the Interceptors spew;
They took their positions, their missiles they fired,
Each one had missed, (They must have been tired!),
The UFO sailed on straight to the Earth,
While the Interceptors returned, without proving their worth.

SHADO Command called Sky 1 in flight
And told Captain Carlin to set everything right.
He lined up the UFO for a well-placed shot,
But he also missed (He was as drunk as a sot!),
So out came the Mobiles, the minivan-tanks,
But the UFO just sailed over their ranks!

In Straker's back yard the UFO landed,
(It was a bad grounding, they just might be stranded!)
When out of the craft, just who should appear,
But an alien in red, covered with silver gear!
He entered the house, his intent still unknown,
But when he searched it, no one was home;
So he waited for Straker to return to his place
(In order to grab him and take him to space?)

When Straker returned to his home, which was locked,
He had Alec Freeman with him (Who was crocked!);
Also accompanying was Virginia Lake
Who saw the UFO and cried, "It's a fake!"
But Straker knew at once it was real,
And realized 'twas he that they'd come to steal;
So drawing his pistol, and kicking the door,
(Poor Colonel Freeman passed out on the floor!)
Ed leapt through the door and fired a shot--
But did he hit him? (I'm afraid not!)
The alien had in his hands a small gift
Just to give Straker's poor spirits a lift;
An alien fruitcake, their highest reward;
(Which here on Earth is largely deplored!)
But Ed was not in a gift-giving mood,
(Especially with such a God-awful food!)
So he shot him again,right straight in the chest,
Sending the alien to his final rest.
Ed's final words to the green fluid-sucker?
He shouted out, "Merry Christmas, Mother******!"
(So Straker's words don't cause any friction,
He just watched a video of the film "Pulp Fiction"!)

A SHADO cleanup crew was hastily called,
and back to the base the ET was hauled;
His space craft was strapped tightly down to a truck,
But before they could leave, it dissolved into muck;
But hung-over Alec, still full of good cheer,
Mumbled, "Happy Christmas to all, and a Happy New Year!"

Merry Christmas!

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